Michelle told me, “Pain is a great motivator for you.” Right after I gave her my usual sarcastic reply, “Really?”  I realized that she is correct. Whether it is physical or emotional pain – it motivates me to action. In regards to writing – I have come up with my best pieces when I was mad or sad or angry. For some reason “happy” just doesn’t produce the same results. I guess what I should hope for now is that physical pain can be as good a motivator?

Here is something I wrote while sad:

10/31/08

5/7/09

I’m not a doormat – I’m done asking nicely… DO NOT WIPE YOUR FEET ON ME! The next time you do – I WILL rip your balls off. Oh, did I just say that all the people that treat me like the dirt beneath their feet are men? No – I just give my gender a little more courtesy – they get to walk away. I don’t need people that use me in my life. I’m DONE. That’s all.

I am going to work on getting some of my old journal entries on this blog. Many of them are very personal – and most of them have never been shared with the public. I feel that I can display some of this work now because the person I was writing about no longer speaks to me – and not too many people would know who I was writing about anyway. Some of my best writing is about him – I guess if nothing else – he inspired me.

Do you ever have days where you just feel like sitting back and watching the world go by? That’s what I feel like today. I don’t feel like talking, or interacting with anyone (which is a little problem since I work in a retail environment). Usually, when I get in a mood like this, I enjoy watching other people. I find them amusing. It is interesting to see how other people act and react to different stimuli. Today I don’t even find that of value. It’s like I’m in a cloud – or a bubble – all my own.

For instance – this morning my roommate was sleeping on the floor in the living room… it wasn’t odd that he wasn’t in his bedroom, since he has made the couch his bed, what was strange is that he was on the floor. I worried about him – tried to wake him up – and gave up much more quickly then usual – I know this because usually I am able to wake him up after about 10 minutes and make him move to a more comfortable area – usually it is from a chair or the loveseat to the couch (which he loves for reasons all his own). Anyway – since I care about Dave – I knew there was something wrong with me when I gave up before achieving my goal of making him more comfortable.

And at work – there is repair drama – that I refuse to get involved in. My boss tried to pull me in at least 4 times and all 4 times I declined to comment. Usually I can get really worked up about how incompetent our repair service is… not today – and if you asked me right now I would tell you repair will never bother me again – I can’t do anything about it – why fret over it?

A matter of fact – nothing bothers me at all today, and nothing excites me or interests me or infuriates me… maybe this is what is meant by an “even temper”. I think I would get bored if I was this way all the time – then again – it might be nice to not… what’s the word?… care? feel? And what will my friends call me when they are teasing me? It couldn’t be “angry midget*” anymore… and Dave can’t say that I will have a business called AM Inc anymore either… I don’t think that “even-temper midget” has the same ring to it!

End note -  *I am 5’0″ – but my friends insist on calling me “angry midget” – there is some dispute about who started the nickname… Cyn thinks it was her – I think it was Norm… Cyn may be correct – Norm did enjoy calling me “smart-ass” as well… Dave just thinks it’s a hoot and enjoys coming up with different ways to use it to annoy me (AM Inc? – dear LORD!)… and Michelle enjoys finding fun internet sites that refer to am’s to share with me (apparently someone made an angry midget crib – I will admit that I laughed so hard I may have cried a little – and Dave was definitely amused as well)…

My dreams are always quite vivid. Sometimes they are profound, sometimes they are entertaining, sometimes what they might mean eludes me, every once in a while they are frightening, more often then I’d like to admit they are sexual and sometimes they make me sad. During the last week I have had great dreams – that when I woke up – made me sad. They all had different themes but the same person was in each one with me. In one we were at my Grandpa’s house, in one we were at work, in another we were in no place I’d recognize, in yet another we never left the bed, in one we were just cuddling – it was so real that when I woke up I expected him to be there – and when he wasn’t I started crying. Not too many people can elicit that reaction from me – ok – only one man can get me to react that way. And that moron refuses to speak to me for no reason I can think of – quite frankly – he doesn’t get to be mad – he has no reason to be mad – I have a reason to be mad – and I’m NOT mad – I forgave him – the jackass… OK – back to my point – my dreams have been insane! I don’t understand where they are coming from – and I hate that they have made me sad – but hell, they are great fodder for my novel! If nothing else they make me work harder to make my novel entertaining, fun, creepy and thought provoking  - so that I forget that a dream was able to make me sad.

I don’t know how this happened: I am writing in a notebook… not a laptop… A NOTEBOOK – spiral bound – has lined paper – I use a pen with actual ink to write in it… and I find that this is the way that I WANT to write. I am actually getting more done this way then last year while I lugged my netbook with me everywhere. A netbook that I hackintoshed especially for nano… my problem now is = word count. How do I keep track of it? Do I spend time that I should be writing to type my notebook pages into a computer – or should I just keep going and use the typing transfer as an editing tool? I am leaning toward the latter.

Today is November 1st and it’s time for another nanowrimo! I am very excited to get started! I prepared this year so I hope for better results than last year. Anyway – today I am not feeling very good – I have some issues that cause me major pain. I had to take a pain pill… and I thought at first that I shouldn’t write while “under the influence” so to speak. But then I remembered that some of the most famous writers in history used drugs that are much more potent then the prescription pain pills that my doctor prescribed to me – so I am getting my notebook and pen and laying on the couch – writing.

Here we go!

In anticipation of nano this year – I did a collage. The collage is to help focus my writing (after the fiasco last year – I can use all the help I can get). While I was working on finding fodder for my collage – I let pictures and ideas “hit” me. I was working with mostly cooking magazines (because that’s what my mom subscribes to) – so I think I may have a culinary mystery on my hands this year. Everyone’s muse works in different ways – and mine wants wine, chocolate and fruit of all kinds… I will post pics this weekend.

Last year I participated in NanoWriMo for the first time. I did not complete any of my goals. Though it did serve it’s purpose = to get my mind off of my life and all the tragedy therein.

A little background:

On September 26, 2009 – I miscarried – for the second time. It was a very traumatic experience for me. So many emotions go through your mind when you lose a baby. And this time was far more upsetting to me then the first time. I felt guilty about caring more about losing this baby then the first one… anyway, after a month of being extremely depressed and completely inconsolable (The one person who could have made me feel better, in an instant, chose instead to never speak to me again. Which was yet another blow to my very depressed mind. I remember crying for months). One of my friends suggested I find a hobby to occupy my mind… another friend, who regularly participates in Nano, thought that would be a great way for me to refocus and pull myself out of the funk I was in (my counselor agreed). And thus began my journey to write a novel.

Last Nano – I started 5 novels. Not on purpose! I had ideas galore going through my mind and no focus what-so-ever! Plus – I was finding it hard not to write about things that were going on in my life – so – nothing that anyone would ever want to read. There were good WRITING experiences that came out of last year’s nano (for me) – I learned a lot. Here is some of what I learned:

Get organized BEFORE November 1! -  Last year I decided to participate on October 31…

Pick ONE story and stick to it.

Write EVERYDAY – for at least an hour – no matter what!

Do ANYTHING that helps you focus – make a collage – listen to music – seclude yourself in a remote corner of your home…

Do NOT write about the current problems you are having in your life. No one wants to hear you complain. No one wants to read a depressing novel (or at least I don’t).

Do have fun with it! I told everyone I was writing (so that I could have support) – many of my friends asked if they could be in my novel – one of my friends, Perry, even helped to shape his character. I made him completely outrageous, so outrageous as a matter of fact, that I had to put him in a dream sequence. He is a  pirate, that wears a green eye patch and sings all of his lines. He has a dancing monkey as a pet.

I also have 5 novel ideas from last year’s Nano. I will eventually get back to them – at a time when I can take the emotion out of them and write. The ideas themselves are good – the emotion behind some of the scenes and characters I wrote, are not.

This Nano – I will be working on a completely different novel. One that I think will be fun and challenging. Nothing about my current life situation will have anything to do with this novel. And nothing about last years events will shape this novel. I will also be keeping up with this blog as much as possible.

This weekend – I will make my collage. I have already done many of the exercises on writing.com’s “getting ready for Nano 2010″ calendar – by November 1st – I will be ready to write my novel – 50,000 words.

As a Pittsburgher, I can’t help but use this phrase – HERE WE GO!

This is a series of several blog posts in one. Because the blog is set up to put the latest blog on the top – I thought it best to post all of these together so they could be read in order (so that they make some sense).

Writing whatever comes to mind

If there is one thing I have learned this month with NaNo (and to be honest there are a lot of things I have learned this month) it’s to write what ever comes to mind. Some of the things that I write have nothing to do with anything – at the time – but hopefully when I edit I will find a place for them.

And if I am being honest… I have 3 distinct novels going at the same time… 2 more that could either be back story or 2 more novels. Since I did not prepare for this endevor I feel that this is better then I could have asked for. In December I am going to separate them – do a few collages (thanks to my Mom for all the awesome magazines) – and actually organize them.

My latest rant was about cravings. Because in August and September I had the weirdest food cravings…

Cravings

Last week I was working with DKL and we were talking about food. He mentioned that he liked to put hot sauce on his pasta… I was SO relieved. I had been thinking for the last few months that I was insane. In August I started eating things that can only be described as: strange. One of the dishes = pasta (or rice) with herbs, veggies, butter and Heinz 57 Sauce… Yep… that’s right… and I got really creative with it. You would not believe how many ways that you can make rice/pasta with chicken/pork add some veggies/herbs and Heinz 57…

Anyway, after our talk, I thought: you know I haven’t made that in months… so I went home and made my favorite Heinz 57 with pasta dish… And I am sure this comes as no surprise to most of you but it was not as wonderful as I remember. Let’s be clear-it wasn’t horrible but I wouldn’t have it EVERYDAY for dinner (which is exactly what I did – for WEEKS)… What the heck was I thinking?

And see this is where my idea stopped-so I stopped writing. This has almost no place in a book. I mean really? Where would I put it and why would anyone care? Pondering these questions would take me forever. Which is why editing is in December. I do have other ideas running through my head right now = such as points of view (yes – POINTS).

points of view

Every character has their own point of view. Even in life this is true. You can take one event and have 100 characters all with different views. They don’t all have to be present for the event – they just need to have an opinion on it. Example:

Event – Protagonist has life changing traumatic event

Protagonist – Depressed, hurt, at times inconsolable, would rather be alone then with friends… But she pushes through everyday, acts as normal as possible (she sometimes has to disappear to a quiet place to be alone until the tears pass – but they do pass and she goes back to whatever she was doing) to achieve her goal (whatever that might be). Thinks her now Ex-SO (for lack of a better term) is an unfeeling jerk. Thinks that he should be there for her like she was there for him when he needed her- but he is emotionally unavailable and incapable of reciprocating love. All she really wanted or needed from him at the time of (and even now) the event was to be held – but he can’t even handle that – she finally sees him as weak. P is hurt by the fact that SO doesn’t even believe what she said to him when she has never lied to him and been very forthcoming and told him things that no one else in the novel knows about. Reader is sympathetic to P.

Protagonist’s Significant Other (pick your favorite variation of dumb ass) – Can’t handle the event – would rather pretend it didn’t happen – decides to never speak to P again so that he doesn’t have to deal with it… Hurt because he doesn’t know what to think. Has been so used and manipulated in his life that he just assumes that everyone does it to him. Even by his own admission P is nothing like anyone else he knows. But he just can’t believe her. Though when he is alone he thinks about it – because deep down he knows she wouldn’t lie to him – he just can’t face the truth right now. But by the time he is able to face the truth will P care anymore or will she have moved on? Reader still sympathetic – but not as much.

P Best Friend – Thinks SO is an asshole. Has been present for all of the stress and hospital and doctors visits that were a result of the event. Gets angry every time  SO acts like a jerk to P because she sees how it effects P. Would like to tell SO to stay the hell away from P but knows that would hurt P more – so says nothing and tries to be supportive. Readers identify with BF.

SO friends – Think that P is pathetic. And who wouldn’t – what? with the story SO has been telling about her… If they knew the truth they wouldn’t be so quick to judge… AND the friends have had the truth right in front of them the entire time. They have seen P while she was ill. How many people run back and forth to the bathroom – THAT much? They know that she wasn’t moving around a lot for a few months – they were present when she needed help lifting the smallest box – and when she took the elevator – instead of the stairs like usual… they have seen her have to walk quickly out of a room (but somehow they didn’t notice the tears start? maybe that’s because they didn’t want to) yet in their world – she is what he made her out to be…

which brought me to – everyone sees what they want to see – because we are all in our own little worlds:

own little worlds

People see things the way they want to. The truth hardly matters in this world (or any other). Most people don’t want to hear it – or believe it. They want to believe what they believe is true and anyone who makes that difficult must be a bad person.

The rest of this had to be edited out.  Because what I wrote after this was harsh and very personal. And that is not what writing a novel is about.

By the way – the above is just a fun example of POV – it’s not part of the novel I am writing – I mean – how boring can you get?

Anyway – now you see why I am having problems with POV – there are just so many of them – and I have been writing them all. My Granny always told me not to judge anyone. To “walk a mile in their shoes”. I try to do that in my real life… however, doing it in a novel may be counter productive.